So here’s (one of my) problem[s]: I am attracted to the wrong kind of men. I like men who keep up with their appearance, who dress well. I appreciate strong facial features and tall men. Basically, I like good looking men, and my eye is drawn to facial hair. This is all superficial attraction. I am not as shallow as I am making myself out to be right now. Anyhow, the issue is that most of the men who fall into these categories that I have specified are gay, either overtly or in a very masculine way, which is another drawing point, I should mention. Of course nothing would ever happen with these men that I spot and instantly, temporarily fall in love with because I see these men walking on the street or riding the train and here in London, even if you catch repeated stealing of glances, nothing will happen. They won’t talk to you, they won’t smile, they won’t let even the slightest grin escape from their façade of mysticism/cynicism/interest/apathy. Take your pick as to which they are concealing.
So either they are gay or in a relationship. I’m a sucker for good looks, and it’s my problem if the guy with the good looks is already in a relationship, right? I’m 25 years old. I should be able to date and not sound like an idiot when I talk about what I want to do in the future. I should already be doing it.
I noticed today that the only people who speak to others when not addressed are American. I overheard a conversation in which an older American couple surprised a British woman who was waiting for the train in an attempt to, I assume, be friendly. As a consequence, they just seemed overly chatty, nosy, and naive as they were unabashedly forthcoming with unsolicited information about their stay, where they were from, which plays or operas they had seen or wanted to see. As it seems actually, I am the cynic here. (I posted this last night, and as soon as I woke up I realized that I am probably just jealous of the Americans in that I find it hard to walk up to people and talk to them. And I'm jealous of the Brit who got to meet some new people, whether they annoyed her or not. Disregard cynicism - it's just jealousy.)
Also, I’m lonely. I have been single for a long time, and I miss the feeling of being in a relationship. I miss going on dates and holding hands with someone. I like getting to know people, and here it seems hard to start relationships even just as friends. I know that I have not exhausted all the possibilities, but there is only so much time in a day. A girl needs some time to herself sometimes too.
I’m losing perspective and/or I never had it. I want to finish school, but if I don’t get in to university here, I am not quite sure what I will do. It’s like there is a clear path drawn to university and beyond, but if I’m not on the path to university, there is no other path to take, just an air of vagueness and uncertainty. It’s hard to live life like that. When someone asks what I want to do, I have no answer. I never really knew when I was little what I wanted to be when I “grew up”, but here I am already, and I’m supposed to be doing it, whatever it is. I never knew what I wanted to do, but I never thought it would say “nanny” in my job title. I suppose if I don’t get into university with my application, I can go to school through a clearing place. I do like living in London and would prefer to stay here.
