Prozac for my blog Pt. II: Here's the twist!

Insert curve-ball here: the next afternoon I get a text saying that unfortunately he can’t make it for the Friday night we had planned on, that his family was moving and he had to attend a farewell dinner. Practical Olya says what I was thinking but didn’t want to. “What, he didn’t know about it before?” Stupidly borderline desperate to go out with this hot teacher, I remind him of his second availability for Saturday lunch and ask if he is still available for that. He replies with “Can I call you? I need to talk to you.” Uhh.... ok?

The ridiculousness (yes I make up words) of this call and my ensuing anger led me to tears. He tells me that I am not supposed to know what he is about to tell me, but that my bossy fucking boss had called him and told him that she didn’t want him to see me and that he should cancel the date we had planned, which she only knew about because stupid me couldn’t keep my excitement contained and my mouth shut. When he asked, “well what should I tell her?” She said to make something up and just lie, hence the fake farewell dinner. Gentleman that he is, he called to explain and apologized for lying, but that he would still like to go out for a drink and keep it on the DL if I was up for it. I was so angry at this point that I was shaking and could barely even form words. I wanted to scream. At my boss. And quit on the spot and tell her exactly what I thought of her. We agreed to meet at the place we had originally agreed upon at the same time. Luckily I hadn’t blabbed that much about this date to my boss.

I went to tell Olya, who said that if she were my boss she might have an issue with her nanny dating her son’s teacher, but that she never would have gone about it the way she did, that she would talk to me and tell me what she was thinking. I told her that he said we could still go out if I wanted to, and Practical Olya gets excited and says “good! That means he’s a real man!” I wouldn’t be properly angry unless I started crying, so I did and immediately called my mother. Mom knows best! As always. Unfortunately I had woken her up at about 7:30am Las Vegas time, but as always she was a good listener and told me exactly what I needed to hear, that my boss had no business doing that and that if I wanted to go out with this guy that I should. My mom knows how lonely I had been getting so she was happy that I had a date.

As I was getting ready Olya was putting the boys to bed and I was doing a fashion show for her and asking her advice. She is like a sister that I never had. I really do love her. I don’t know how she puts up with me. He met me outside the tube station and then we walked to this place that was super packed with people. It was nice to talk for longer than the 2-5 minutes before and after school or occasional tutoring pick-ups. Plus, this guy is ridiculously fun to look at. At some point in the evening the place gets more crowded or the music goes up or maybe I was just a bit too tipsy and couldn’t understand anything he was saying so he moved next to me and only then did I think, uh... maybe he might actually be interested in me. After a few more drinks, including tequila and champagne, I asked if I could kiss him. So basically we closed the place down. Downer of the night, someone made off with my coat. At any rate I got back home really late and the next morning my boss asked me how it had gone the night before. I just said that it was fun and we had a good time. She said “oh with the teacher?” I told her that he couldn’t make it but that I had gone out with my other friend with whom I had been trying to get together with for a proper night out for a long time. She made some silly comments like, “yea you are around kids all the time, you don’t need to be dating a teacher too.” Uh... surefuckoff. He’s not a child. (The next week she randomly says “what do you think about real estate agent guys?” I don’t think about them at all, I say. She wants me to find an apartment for the in-laws. A day in the life of being a nanny for this family.) So Hot Teacher and I decided to meet for the lunch on Saturday as well and it was nice to walk around and have lunch by the river. Although I did get a little freaked out when he mentioned that a bunch of the teachers and the headmaster of the school live in the same neighborhood, or borough, if you’re British, love. He didn’t seem to care though. He said that he told the headmaster what had happened with the awkward phone call and that the headmaster was appalled and said that she had no right and that he would talk to her, but Hot Teacher declined such an intervention for attitude checks.

Really the only thing that could actually happen is that he wouldn’t be able to do tutoring for the little dude after school twice a week as he is now scheduled and nothing would really happen to me, since of course, I know nothing of all this nonsense.

After about a month of this sneaking and being vague, I am officially over it, and I can’t wait for the school year to be over so I won’t have to hide the fact that we are seeing each other. It is strange to have to carefully discern who I can and can’t tell that I have a “B-word” boy..... *gasp* friend. It’s been a really long time since I’ve used that word. It feels like profanity when I say it! Haha. So yea, he’s my boyfriend now and I have these feelings for him that I never though I would have for anybody ever again and so much more. I feel like a giddy teenage girl! It’s nice, and will be nicer after July 8th.

We got to go to Paris together on a random trip that I was originally supposed to take with the family. I was supposed to go with the mom and the older boy, but they ended up coming back before I went. She knew that I was going to see my friend in Paris, but I confabulated that my other friend in Geneva was going too just to ensure that I would have these days off. (I hate lying.) So I went with Hot Teacher on Wednesday morning and returned Friday evening. Our trip was so nice! It was nice to not have to be on edge about who might see us together, although I was still on the look-out a bit because I knew that the grandparents and niece of my boss were in Paris at the same time. It was nice to roam around and see the sights. You want to take a boat on the river? Ok, there’s one leaving... right now. Let’s go. I was the only French speaking (somewhat) part of this duo so I did lots of the talking and it was nice to be able to actually use my French and practice. I hate looking like a tourist, so we did as the Parisians do. Chill out in the sunshine with some coffee and pastries for breakfast with the significant other. Paris is the city of love, after all. C’est la vie!

Right now (when I wrote this) I’m on vacation with the family in the Caribbean and we will have been gone for 2 weeks upon our return. We are on a beautiful island called Nevis at the Four Seasons and it is absolutely beautiful. It is a volcanic island and it is super green and lush. I am happy that the boys get a break from city life, and some clean air, and we are all getting tanned. We burned on the first day and poor littlest guy was so severely burned we had to put some numbing cream on him and give him ibuprofen to sleep. We are all peeling now and he was so cute when he figured out that he could scratch his back on the chair. I took video. The only bad part about being here is having to spend so much time with my boss and be friendly with this person that I really wish I could just never have anything to do with. I am not a fake person, or a liar of any sort, nor am I very secretive, and it is really very strange to have to be these things with her and to have to watch what I say. I am not very good at that and have ruined Christmas or birthday surprises because of it. Either that or my mom is just too smart to be fooled! Probably a bit of both.

I have really missed Hot Teacher, and it’s like the old saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I can’t wait to see him again and spend most of my accumulated time off with him. I am very very grateful for the technology available these days. I was able to video skype with him from my iPhone when I was on the beach this afternoon with some free time. If only there were some device that could instantaneously transport him to the beach to talk to in person, that would be great. Bedtime again, counting down the days until our reunion.

Prozac for my blog Pt. 1

So it has come to my attention that my blog is borderline manic depressive and needs some zoloft. I think the only reason that this is so is because I am very busy when I am not busy being down on life! I have since made some friends in London, although no locals, my French friends are really great and I love to hang out with them. I felt like the odd man out sometimes since they were all in relationships, mostly long distance, and I was one of the only single ones, and the only single girl in the group. I always like to go have lunch or go do anything with Charlotte and Samantha. We went to a vintage fair and had a great time together all day wandering around looking at really old clothes and then just wandering around London on the bus.

I have also since started seeing someone. No, not the guy from the train. He never called. >:P Whatever, as they (I) say. As my mom says, “he’s just. not. that. into you!” Thanks Mom. So since the start of school in September I have gawked at Nika’s teacher from afar, sticking around a bit longer to say good morning, or showing up just a few minutes late so most of the kids are gone from class to be able to squeeze in a few niceties. After drop off I would walk out the back door of the school so I could peek in the window to maybe catch a glance at him and see if he even saw me. I was happy to take Nika to Saturday morning soccer since he was one of the teachers leading it. I even got a whole 3 minutes one day of talking to him. All I learned was that he was going to the US for a big chunk of the summer by himself. I told him of my trip to Iceland that I was taking and he asked, “oh really, who are you going with?” It was a question easily left vague enough, but I made it clear I was going by myself because all my friends were busy. No mention of a boyfriend. I once had to ask him for the other teacher’s phone number to organize tutoring and I almost asked for his as well, ya know, just in case. ;)

Basically, besides the general good habit of not looking like a slob and making one’s outfit match or trying to make oneself look nice, he was the reason I was wearing different outfits and even brushing my hair in the morning. In New York I had it tied back basically every day. All that being said, did I get even the slightest inkling that he might take somewhat of an interest in me? NO! But I did it anyway. I talked about him with other nannies of boys in the same class and even my boss and one of her friends. One of the Easter fair silent auction items was a night out with Nika’s teacher and a couple of other male teachers from the school. I told my boss that I’d buy that and just take Nika’s teacher and she laughed and said “yea me too!”

The other nanny, Olya immediately said what she said about the train guy and other guys I would point out to her that I thought were attractive: “maybe he’s gay”. Her case was crushingly good. He’s very good looking, he’s well dressed, well groomed, and the biggest one, he works with little kids. Not many men can handle kids and even fewer have any patience with them. If I didn’t love her, I’d have been really angry with her for planting this seed. I even talked to my boss about it. She was convinced he wasn’t gay. I’m not a crazy stalker or anything but I did what any girl in this day and age does. I facebook-stalked him. His profile picture was him and another guy hugging. Damn. She was right. Inconsequential! I’d try anyway.

So one of my lonely roaming days off I went to the British Museum of something-or-other and after I went to a book shop that I found. I was thinking of him and his trip to camp across the US this summer when I bought Jack Kerouac’s On The Road to read and then give to him. I decided to skip all the forwards so I could finish it before Nika went on Easter break (for the entire month of April) instead of my original plan of giving it to him before summer to read while he was on the road himself. I wrote my name and location in the book which is something I always do with books I intend to exchange at hostels while traveling, but also included my phone number. When I went to give it to him I was super nervous! It was the day of the Easter fair at the school and there was another mom coming so I just stood there outside the door holding this book facing him waiting for the mom to pass and feeling my cheeks turn red. The confidence I had when I had left home had faded and I was the girl putting herself up for rejection, if he even noticed what I had written. I gave it to him and feebly mumbled that I thought he should have it since he was going to the US and it’s about a guy who travels across the US a few times and it was an American classic and he said thank you and seemed really happy about it. I walked away and was telling the other nanny, my counterpart with Nika and Danny, that I felt like an idiot and so stupid for doing that. Practical as she is, she brushed me off like I was being silly and said, “why? Just forget about it.” She knows that I have had a thing for him basically since she started working with us.

That afternoon I get a text saying thank you for the book and that I should really let him take me out for a drink to say thank you properly. Basically I died. I was elated. I couldn’t stop laughing and smiling. Olya was there, as always, and she was laughing at me laughing and getting so excited and she said “Angela, don’t get your hopes up. He’s English. He’s proper and maybe he’s just doing it to be nice.” I didn’t care, I was going to be happy and not let her maybe-he’s-gay banter interfere with my ecstatic mood. It took me a long time to even be able to reply. I was lucky that I was in the little kid play section of this museum so that my excited laughing and giggling was drowned out by kids running and yelling. I was so ridiculously happy I could scarcely contain myself.

The sun is emerging from the clouds, slowly but surely, although you won't be able to tell from this post. :)

So here’s (one of my) problem[s]: I am attracted to the wrong kind of men. I like men who keep up with their appearance, who dress well. I appreciate strong facial features and tall men. Basically, I like good looking men, and my eye is drawn to facial hair. This is all superficial attraction. I am not as shallow as I am making myself out to be right now. Anyhow, the issue is that most of the men who fall into these categories that I have specified are gay, either overtly or in a very masculine way, which is another drawing point, I should mention. Of course nothing would ever happen with these men that I spot and instantly, temporarily fall in love with because I see these men walking on the street or riding the train and here in London, even if you catch repeated stealing of glances, nothing will happen. They won’t talk to you, they won’t smile, they won’t let even the slightest grin escape from their façade of mysticism/cynicism/interest/apathy. Take your pick as to which they are concealing.

So either they are gay or in a relationship. I’m a sucker for good looks, and it’s my problem if the guy with the good looks is already in a relationship, right? I’m 25 years old. I should be able to date and not sound like an idiot when I talk about what I want to do in the future. I should already be doing it.

I noticed today that the only people who speak to others when not addressed are American. I overheard a conversation in which an older American couple surprised a British woman who was waiting for the train in an attempt to, I assume, be friendly. As a consequence, they just seemed overly chatty, nosy, and naive as they were unabashedly forthcoming with unsolicited information about their stay, where they were from, which plays or operas they had seen or wanted to see. As it seems actually, I am the cynic here. (I posted this last night, and as soon as I woke up I realized that I am probably just jealous of the Americans in that I find it hard to walk up to people and talk to them. And I'm jealous of the Brit who got to meet some new people, whether they annoyed her or not. Disregard cynicism - it's just jealousy.)

Also, I’m lonely. I have been single for a long time, and I miss the feeling of being in a relationship. I miss going on dates and holding hands with someone. I like getting to know people, and here it seems hard to start relationships even just as friends. I know that I have not exhausted all the possibilities, but there is only so much time in a day. A girl needs some time to herself sometimes too.

I’m losing perspective and/or I never had it. I want to finish school, but if I don’t get in to university here, I am not quite sure what I will do. It’s like there is a clear path drawn to university and beyond, but if I’m not on the path to university, there is no other path to take, just an air of vagueness and uncertainty. It’s hard to live life like that. When someone asks what I want to do, I have no answer. I never really knew when I was little what I wanted to be when I “grew up”, but here I am already, and I’m supposed to be doing it, whatever it is. I never knew what I wanted to do, but I never thought it would say “nanny” in my job title. I suppose if I don’t get into university with my application, I can go to school through a clearing place. I do like living in London and would prefer to stay here.

My life is depressing me right now.

In Geneva there was never anything to do, but there were people to do it with. Here, there are thousands of things to do but no one to do them with. I miss making friends.

I feel really... just... unmotivated to do anything related to my job at all. When you ask your boss for a raise and she says "I could hire 3 of you for that", it makes you realize that she thinks you're replaceable. Uh huh, she's delusional if she thinks she can pay somebody what she pays me to do ALL the things I do. I can get more, WITH my own apartment in Manhattan (which I should mention is something that she is backing out of providing for me here in London, also my second month of vacation that I was originally promised). Grocery shopping? Cleaning out the "junk drawer" in the kitchen? Changing lightbulbs? Scanning bills to email so they can be paid by someone else? Yea... not related to children!

I don't want to do this anymore. If I felt more appreciated, maybe I wouldn't mind so much. I'm getting really fed up. I am just sticking it out until I find out about schools here in London. I'm looking for schools in the U.S. too. I need a break from raising someone else's children.

I still have basically no social life. I'm getting so down. I was crossing the street the other day and saw a car from far away coming and though, "what if that car was going really fast and it hit me?" Maybe I'd meet a cute doctor at the hospital. I'm not seriously considering hurting myself, I should note. I crossed the street and I do not walk in front of cars, knowingly at least. I don't like pain. I can only imagine that a car smashing into me and potentially breaking bones hurts a lot.

I miss NYC.

I don't call it graffiti, I call it street art, even if it's just words.

This I love. Really.

I have this thing where I only buy American Apparel on American soil.

More gigantic Shepard Fairey.

Ah, the sheep's meadow. I get a tan just by looking at this picture.

Upper West Side

My all blue chucks.

View of the Time Warner buildings from the roof of my building before I left for Dubai.